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  “We should go,” I said.

  “Make me,” she said, her lip curled up on one side.

  She might have been flirting, but I decided to take that as an offer, as a cry for help she couldn’t admit.

  This was why she’d come into my life—so I could take care of her. Everything changed the minute I realized she needed someone—the second I’d decided that someone would be me.

  Making sure she was okay would be my first step toward redemption.

  “Remember, you asked for this,” I said. Before she could respond, I wrapped her in my coat, picked her up off the ground, and slung her over my shoulder.

  She shrieked, yelling at me to let her go.

  I ignored her cries and carried her out of the party, pushing through the drunk and sweaty masses toward the door. Luckily Steph and Alex were too busy with the male drunk and sweaty mass right in front of them to notice.

  Kate

  “Put me down,” I yelled, smacking at Carter’s back like it was a bongo drum as he carried me over the threshold of the door.

  When we were outside the party and on the porch of the frat house he finally did, gently balancing me on my feet.

  “What the hell are you doing, you jerk?” I asked, hitting him again.

  “You’re down,” he replied. Maybe he thought I was too drunk to realize I was standing on my own two feet. “I should walk you home,” he continued, catching his breath.

  “You should mind your own damn business,” I said, pulling his coat tighter against the cold. Even wasted I couldn’t deny being outside with bare skin in the cold of winter was even stupider than dancing around the middle of a frat party in your bra at age twenty-nine.

  The thing was, it didn’t feel stupid until I understood what Carter must have seen: a drunk, naïve freshman trying to get attention—sadder still considering I should have been old enough to know better.

  “When you made yourself a sexual object to every guy in there,” he said, pointing at the closed door, the music practically bursting through it, “You became my business.”

  “What are you, president of the date-rape deterrent club?”

  His face went pale. Sadness bloomed then dissipated like smoke in his eyes. “No, I’m your RA and even though you wouldn’t believe it,” he said, “that’s a campus function. It’s like my duty now to make sure you get home alright.”

  “What about Steph and Alex?” I asked.

  “They wouldn’t come with me, anyway,” he said, the sadness in his eyes blooming anew.

  “What makes you think I will?” I huffed.

  “You’re still standing here,” he said and, even though he was clearly unhappy with the choices I had made so far tonight, he smiled.

  The kind that could make me stand in the biting cold with him in front of a crappy frat house forever, that is, if I was the kind of person who deserved his attention. He had no idea that my choices tonight were my life choices and that I didn’t deserve him at all.

  “Find someone else to rescue,” I said to my boots, my words slurring like everything was covered in syrup.

  He touched my chin, tipped my head up. “I pick you, Kate.”

  I let myself stare into his eyes. The cold made them water so they were even more blue.

  “I don’t need you to take care of me,” I said, still trying to deny I needed him, hell wanted him, even though my body only inches away from him was telling a very different story.

  “Okay, return my jacket then,” he said, calling my bluff.

  I considered calling his bluff right back, but I had no idea where my sweater was. Even if it was inside somewhere, it was probably on the floor covered in beer. If I gave him his jacket I would be walking to the dorm in only a bra.

  And he was right. I needed to go to the dorm. I was wasted.

  Neither of us spoke for a long minute; the sound of the party raged behind us, the wind howled around us.

  “You should know, I picked you even before I even knew what you looked like in your bra,” he said, blushing, his words slapping his cheeks pink.

  “What about after?” I asked, moving closer to him, even though I shouldn’t. There was something undeniably sexy about a guy who saved you, especially when there was no doubt you were in desperate need of it, even if it wasn’t for the reason he thought.

  He swallowed and put his hands in his pockets against the cold.

  Would he have picked me if he knew who I really was? I mean, I was a grown-ass woman he was trying to take care of. Or was my age the only thing that made me different from the girl I’d been in college?

  He kept his gaze fixed on mine. “What’s it look like?”

  The ground was suddenly even more unsteady. The star-filled sky was whirling above me. The guy running the carnival ride of my life had switched it to high.

  Would I even be able to find my way to the dorm without Carter? Would I be able to find Steph and Alex again if I went back into the party?

  Did I even want to?

  “Lead the way, Prince Charming,” I said finally.

  “I always preferred Superman,” Carter said, widening his shoulders like he was showing off his own S.

  “Too many dimples,” I replied, my attempt to show that even the one dimple on his chin would never work on me. Of course, where was my proof considering I was choosing him over more beer and debauchery?

  We walked slowly toward the quad, mostly because I was stumbling.

  “You should have taken my offer to study tonight. At least you’d still have your sweater.”

  “So in addition to studying,” I said, drawing his coat tighter around me, “You also rescue girls you deem worth rescuing.”

  “When they need me,” he said.

  We moved over the snowy quad, the frosty ground sparkling in the overhead lights, billions of tiny ice stars.

  “I might need you tonight,” I admitted, fighting to keep from slurring, “but I don’t need you.”

  He shrugged, “Whatever you say.”

  “I won’t let that happen again,” I vowed. It couldn’t. What was wrong with me? Had David been right? Was I just an out of control drunk?

  Even when I was trying so hard not to be, it was still what I became eventually.

  “You’re in college, it probably will,” he said, the air coming from his mouth as gray as thunderclouds in the cold.

  “I hope not. I’m kind of trying to work on not drinking so much. I sort of have a problem.” It was the least assured sentence I’d ever uttered, but the most I’d ever admitted to anyone regarding my drinking.

  “You’re a freshman,” he said, both a statement and a question.

  “I know,” I said, trying to craft a response, but my mind was hazy. Did freshman think they had drinking problems? Even if they did, did they care?

  He put his hand on my shoulder. “Listen, I’ll give you my cell number just in case.”

  “I didn’t know Superman made house calls,” I said, sobering up slightly from the cold. I was thankful he wasn’t pushing me to talk about “my drinking problem.”

  “Not house calls,” he smirked, “house party calls.”

  I laughed a thankful laugh. A laugh I hoped told him I did need him, even though I couldn’t.

  We got back to the dorm and stood under the portico. He reached over to me and slid his hand into his jacket pocket to get his keycard.

  Touching me, even in such a casual way, ignited something simmering between us the whole walk—since we’d met. The heavy air between us was suddenly on fire.

  He was so sexy. The kind of guy Veronica would have said was worth ruining your panties over. The problem was, a lot of them weren’t and they got ruined anyway.

  With liquid courage, liquid thought eradication, I launched myself against his chest and kissed him, his lips hard and soft and rough and smooth and wrong and right and terrible and perfect all at the same time. His hands eased under the jacket, cold shocking my warm stomach. A moan trembled from hi
s lips, the sound like a boiling teapot about to whistle. I forced my hips against his, practically crawling on top of him. He was hard, hot against me.

  What I felt swelling through his jeans was more than strong enough to break rule number two in half like it was a board and he was a karate master. I went for his fly, frantic to feel his pounding dick on the smooth skin of my hand, but he jerked back and took a deep breath.

  He shook his head. Uncertainty clouded his demeanor like he’d been asleep and had awoken suddenly. He put his hands on my shoulders. “Sorry, I’m not supposed to do this.”

  “Neither am I,” I said, reaching for him again, even though he could have no idea what I’d meant.

  “No,” he explained, “I should not be kissing you, or doing any of the other countless naughty naked things I want to do to you right now. We need to stop.”

  “Why?” Was he seriously saying no? This twenty-two year old college student was more mature than me, able to put what he should do above his base desires.

  Well, was I surprised considering what I’d done at the party?

  “As much as I want this to happen, I’m pretty sure it shouldn’t because you’re drunk.”

  “So?” I asked, suddenly wanting to be nineteen again through Carter. Going back to make better choices was one thing, being here and able to live like I was nineteen again was a gift, something—when it came to Carter—I should not waste. I wanted him inside me, to be on top of him, licking his neck, his chest, his taut stomach, the dimple on his chin that had gotten me.

  Sure he was seven years younger than me, but guys did it all the time. David had done it with me.

  “So,” he said, breathing out and composing himself. “I don’t sleep with girls when they’re drunk.”

  “Then you probably don’t sleep with a lot of girls,” I said, playing with the button on his pants. And you’ve probably never slept with a woman, I thought, wishing I could say it.

  “I’m also your RA,” he said.

  “I won’t tell if you won’t.”

  His eyes were on me for seconds moving like hours. I could tell he was considering it, struggling against the chemistry between us, trying to let his body take control instead of his mind.

  “I’m sorry, I wish I could,” he said as he guided my hand away and started to let us into the dorm. “You can bring my jacket back tomorrow.”

  “Forget it,” I replied, starting to pull it off. “Take it now.” If he was rejecting me, whatever his reasons were, there was no way I was facing him in tomorrow’s embarrassing morning light.

  He stopped me. “Sleep well, and please take care of yourself, Kate,” he said, squeezing my shoulder and walking toward the stairs. I guess he didn’t want the added temptation of being in an enclosed space as we rode to our floor in the elevator together.

  Instead of going up to my room, I fell back onto the couch in the lobby, trying to switch myself off. Kissing Carter had turned me on. I was buzzing like a bee. I was ready, open for business. If another guy would have walked in, it was possible I’d jump him—no questions asked.

  I saw my reflection in the huge lobby windows, Carter’s coat so big and puffy it made me look like a linebacker from the waist up, my makeup smeared from our kiss, from the party.

  He was right. I did need to take care of myself. How the hell did I do that?

  Until I figured it out, starting over wouldn’t matter.

  Chapter Thirteen

  Kate

  I opened my searing eyes: wall sized windows and a crappy, scuffed tile floor reflected by a crappy, stained ceiling. It took me a moment to realize I was lying in the lobby with Carter’s coat wrapped around me. The light coming through the windows was a sickly gray, which meant it was now the start of week two.

  As I sat up, the night before came into humiliating focus. At least I was alone. Rule number two was sort of intact, but only barely. It wouldn’t have been if Carter hadn’t stopped us.

  Aside from the terrible night’s sleep, I was starting the first day of week two half naked and hung over. The way so many days had started before I got here. The way days weren’t supposed to start anymore because I was here. I touched my forehead. The cold was soothing, but the pounding was revoltingly familiar. Brought me right back to the morning I’d conceived this idea.

  This crazy plan that now, too, couldn’t even keep me on the right track.

  Maybe I should have gone to rehab, but then I’d only be sober. Being here was supposed to help me start my life again. Become the Kate I should have been if college-take-one hadn’t happened. I was already failing.

  Like they say, wherever you go there you are.

  I was Kate, and no matter where I went, she would follow me. She would get wasted and leave her expensive new clothes at frat houses and practically sleep with a guy seven years younger—a really nice guy who was an insanely good kisser and had abs as tight as woodblocks under his skin.

  I shook my head, then, remembering the pain, moaned instead, blowing out a long, contemplative breath tinged with stale beer.

  I wondered if Steph and Alex had come back in and left me lying here—or worse yet—Dawn, up early and already out for the day. I reached into my pocket for my phone and checked my mirror app, phew, no penises, not even the severed demon variety.

  I slowly stood, shuffled to the elevator, and headed to my room craving only sleep, wanting only to forget everything that happened the night before. But it was impossible. Carter’s concerned face floated in front of me.

  Hopefully I hadn’t humiliated myself beyond forgiveness last night.

  The elevator ride was solitary, interminable. Standing sucked. I headed down the hall, slipped into the bathroom quickly, and bee lined it to my room. I opened my door slowly, trying to slink in quietly and not wake Dawn, but she was already up. She sat on the corner of her tightly made bed.

  Had she been waiting for me? Maybe even been worried about me?

  “So, you slutted it up already,” she said, her eyes tight, like she was disappointed. The thing was, she had absolutely no right to be. I mean, I’d just met the girl.

  Sure, I told her I wouldn’t be anything like her last roommate, but that hadn’t been a lie. It had been more of a lapse.

  Though who was I kidding? I was exactly like her last roommate, hung over and wearing the coat of the guy who’d stopped me from slutting it up.

  “No, I passed out in the lobby,” I said. It was easier than explaining. I hung Carter’s coat on my chair.

  “Then why are you in only your bra and jeans?”

  “Sweater thieves,” I replied, pulling off my boots, then my jeans. Dawn watched me the whole time.

  “But you had some guy’s coat,” she said, glancing at it. “So maybe he has your sweater,” she reasoned.

  “What do you care?” I asked. I was not in the mood to be judged, I was doing a fine job on my own. I pulled on a T-shirt and got into bed.

  “I don’t,” she sneered. Her lips were black, her eyes lined in it, too.

  Full makeup at five-thirty a.m.? Maybe she slept in it. Maybe she was even more committed to her character than I was.

  I pulled the covers over my head. I wondered if Steph and Alex were snoozing next door, both happy with the night they’d had, not feeling like more of a loser because they had a hypercritical mirror who wore safety pins in her ears staring back at them.

  “At least you didn’t bring him back here,” she said.

  “I didn’t bring him anywhere,” I retorted from under the blankets. She didn’t need to know what I’d tried to do. What he, someone years younger than me, had to stop me from doing. In terms of maturity at least, it appeared I had nineteen down.

  “I told you it would happen to you, always does.”

  I swallowed a guilty swallow. I hadn’t wanted it to happen at all, let alone so soon. “Thanks for the lecture, Dawn. It’s the cherry on top of my hangover.”

  “Not a lecture,” I heard her shrug, “simply a st
atement.”

  “Yeah, well, you can shove your statement,” I said, sitting up to glare at her.

  “Try to hurry with your implosion,” she flitted her hands out in front of her. “I’d really like a single room again.”

  Before I could respond, she grabbed her shower caddy and headed for the door. “Enjoy your hangover,” she yelled, slamming it behind her much harder than she had to.

  What the hell had I done to her? Other than meet every expectation she’d had for me.

  The echo of Dawn slamming the door rang in my sore head. Even she couldn’t keep me on the right track when I wasn’t in this room.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Carter

  Monday morning Civics class was about to start and Kate still hadn’t walked in. Maybe I should have knocked on her door to make sure she was okay before I left for campus, but that would have been too much. All of this was too much.

  Besides, she’d had a whole day to recover from Saturday night.

  But maybe she hadn’t wanted to recover.

  I hadn’t even been drunk, and I was having trouble recovering.

  I spun around in my seat. I had to stop because Professor Parker would surely ask me what the hell I was doing in his patented blend of sarcasm and asshole. Probably something about if he’d missed the announcement he was holding class at the back of the classroom today instead of the front.

  He’d been my professor for this class freshman year too. He knew all about me. As a person at this school he couldn’t have avoided following the case. It was in the local papers and even the campus one. It was the whisper on everyone’s lips. As a lawyer he probably thought I was getting off easy.

  I guess I did too. That was why I’d punished myself. Why I had to stop kissing Kate before it turned into something I couldn’t stop. Why it was my duty to make sure she got home safely. But she wasn’t in class now, so maybe I hadn’t done enough.