Again Page 23

  What made me think I was special enough to deserve trying again? What made me think I had the right to start over?

  Everyone else in the world had to live with their choices, had to deal with the costs of them. There was nothing I’d ever done that should have allowed me to disconnect from my results, other than the delusional belief that I could change everything by pretending to go back in time.

  “So I guess that means you haven’t told anyone yet,” I said, hating that I had immediately.

  “No, my mind wasn’t on you.” She rolled her eyes. “Shocker, I know.”

  I shrugged. “I wanted to try again. I don’t have an excuse.”

  “I’m not asking for one.”

  “What are you asking for?”

  “I don’t know, maybe I wish I could go back, too. Maybe I want a chance to start over.” She balled her fists together and smacked them down on her bed. The move was so not Dawn, but maybe that was the whole point.

  “You can always start over.” I paused. “We can, anyway.”

  “Ugh,” Dawn muttered, “this isn’t about you.”

  “Then what about your dad?” I said. “I know he would want to.”

  “He left. You seriously scared the shit out of him.” She suppressed a smile. “He might even be freaked out enough to keep his penis in his pants for a while.”

  “For you and your mom, I hope so.”

  “Don’t you ever talk about my mom,” she said, the smile she’d hidden morphing into a snarl.

  “I don’t know what else I can do to prove how sorry I am, Dawn,” I sighed.

  She got up and grabbed her coat. “Why don’t you start by telling the truth,” she said, slamming the door as she left the room.

  The sound of the door echoed as insistently as her words. She was right. That was what I really needed to do to start over.

  My lies would never be enough.

  Chapter Forty-three

  Carter

  I waited for Kate on a bench outside the Williams Center while she was in a meeting at the Student Financial Services office. She was telling them who she really was. I wasn’t sure what was going to happen, if her finally admitting what she’d done would be the end of her time here.

  It wouldn’t be the end of us, though.

  I couldn’t have understood when I first met her over a month ago that my journey to find her had started four years before. I couldn’t help but wonder if her journey to meet me had also taken all of the ten years since she’d been in college.

  My phone buzzed with a text from Tristan: It will be okay and if it isn’t there is always Midori.

  We will survive, I texted back.

  The doors of the hulking brick building opened and when Kate saw me, she smiled.

  I could tell her composure was for my benefit. Her news was not good.

  We will survive, I repeated in my head. I took four deep breaths as I waited for her to reach me, trying to steady myself.

  “Well?” I asked, standing, unable to sit still.

  She took her own deep breath. “If I leave of ‘my own volition’,” she made air quotes, “they won’t press charges, if I don’t—hello prosecution.”

  I nodded. I kind of figured that would be the result of her coming clean. Having been through my own scandal here, I understood Hudson University liked to brush unpleasant things under the rug. More so, they liked to make things disappear. If Jeanie wouldn’t have chosen to go, if my father hadn’t paid to make sure I could stay, they surely would have urged me to transfer somewhere else.

  “Maybe we could leave of our own volition together,” I said. I’d had my idea in place before she even walked out those doors. Well, not an idea necessarily, but a decision. I would keep us together by whatever means necessary.

  If she needed to leave, I would too.

  She shook her head, directing her brown eyes on mine. “No, you’re like two months from graduating—no way.”

  The air warmed around us, the way it does in February. We were a week away from Valentine’s Day. I usually didn’t care about that stuff, but there was no way I was spending it without Kate.

  “I didn’t mean I wouldn’t graduate. You have to leave school, but that doesn’t mean you have to leave Kingston, right?”

  She smiled, her whole body arched toward mine. “Trying to save me again, huh Carter?”

  “You always seem to need it,” I joked.

  She pushed me playfully, her touch making me wish we weren’t in public.

  “Honestly, I’m saving me.” I cupped the side of her face, running my finger against her cheek. “Saving you is all about saving me.”

  We both turned, startled by the sound of the front door of the Williams Center slamming. Alex and Steph trudged down the huge cement steps and walked back toward the dorms.

  “What the hell are they doing here?” Kate asked.

  I smiled. Their timing couldn’t have been more perfect. “An RA from another floor, Tristan I think his name was, called in a tip that they were in violation of the campus alcohol policy. My guess is they were at the Residential Life office being informed of their new probationary status.”

  “You really are Superman,” she said, looking up at me.

  “If I can annihilate them, imagine what I can do for us,” I said, putting my hands around her waist.

  She breathed out, seemingly letting my words fill her. “What’s your proposal?”

  “I get you an apartment nearby until I graduate, and then we decide together where to go next.”

  She laughed. “I’m pretty sure this is the first time ever a younger guy is the sugar daddy. I mean, that’s what you’re suggesting, right, that I be a kept woman?”

  I trailed my thumb against her lips. “Oh, you’re going to earn your keep. You will be applying to other schools, as many as it takes until you’re accepted.”

  She bit down on my thumb playfully. “I have some ideas on other ways I could earn my keep.”

  I leaned in close to her ear and whispered, “That goes unsaid, but you’re smart, Kate. You deserve to get your degree if that’s what you want.”

  “It is,” she said, “but I’m pretty sure all of this proves it’s too late for me.”

  “You’re going to have to be something besides just my sex slave,” I pushed.

  “I can’t afford school anyway. Here or anywhere else,” she said.

  “I can,” I said. “I might as well use my trust fund for something worthwhile.”

  “Paying for my degree is worthwhile?” she asked, her voice rising. “You do understand how expensive college is.”

  “I don’t want either of us to have to lie about anything anymore. You can be a twenty-nine-year-old freshman when you don’t have to worry about financial aid.”

  She pressed her lips together. “I’m pretty sure I’ll be thirty by then.”

  I laughed. “Uh oh, the dreaded T-word.”

  Her mouth twitched in amusement.

  “So what do you say?” I asked.

  “You’re serious about paying for my college?”

  “Think of it as your own private scholarship fund,” I said, putting my arms around her. “The only stipulation being that you work on staying sober and that you’re mine.”

  “I might need some help with the sober part,” she admitted, “but being yours won’t be a problem. She nuzzled into my shoulder, “But what will you do?”

  “Wherever you get in, that’s where we’ll go.”

  “What about law school?” she asked, still not believing I would do everything for her, for us.

  “My father is the one who’s pushing me to go to law school. I’m going to take some time to figure out what I want,” I said, pulling her closer, “besides you.”

  “I guess you shouldn’t suffer my having to leave, too,” she whispered into my lips.

  “Then just say yes.”

  Her eyebrow cocked, remembering when she’d given me the same directive. “Yes,” she repl
ied, “for all the right reasons, yes.”

  I pressed my lips on hers, our decision sealed with a kiss. Neither one of us was running anymore. Together we would start again.

  Epilogue

  Kate

  Four Months Later

  I glance out the window of our apartment and watch as Carter puts the last of our moving boxes into the U-Haul truck we’re driving to California. Like the pioneers, we’re going west.

  Unlike the pioneers we’re doing it with a U-Haul and hotel stops along the way, including a two day exploration of the Grand Canyon.

  After an assessment of my real grades from college-take-one, it seemed best I start at a community college and transfer once I received some more impressive grades. I want the best, but I’m going to have to work for it this time.

  The plan is to live in Palo Alto, attend Foothill College, and transfer to Stanford University’s pre-law program in two years.

  Carter has already been accepted to Stanford’s School of Medicine. He’s decided to study to be a veterinarian. His father isn’t happy about it, but Carter told me his father is pretty much never happy about anything, so that’s nothing new.

  The thing is, Carter is happy and for once I can honestly say I am, too.

  I’ve been sober for four months and one week and not drinking gets easier every day, except for the days when it’s really hard. I have a counselor I’ve been going to for help.

  My relationship with Carter put me on the right path, but my sobriety is something I need to be responsible for.

  Or at least, responsible enough to know I need support from someone other than Carter.

  She’s already put me in touch with a counselor in Palo Alto and has promised to come and kick my ass all over California if I screw up what I had no idea would be my real second chance.

  I’m pretty sure I won’t. There is too much to lose. I have my whole life to gain.

  Dawn still won’t talk to me, but I keep trying. Maybe one day she’ll forgive me, or maybe she won’t. It’s enough for now that she knows I’m sorry. It’s enough for now that I truly am.

  Tristan was accepted to Olympic training at the USA Swim Center in Colorado and has promised to come and kick Carter’s ass all over California if he messes things up with me.

  I’m pretty sure one day we’ll be watching him on TV winning gold or, at the very least, making fun of someone for wearing it.

  Veronica is leaving Franklin Law to open her own accounting firm. She said I inspired her. She is going to visit us whenever she can and I’ve promised to come kick her ass all over New York City if she doesn’t.

  I am beyond lucky I get to start over. I understand, for Carter and me, that chance only came from finding each other.

  That chance can only continue by staying on this path together.

  Carter enters the apartment and closes the door behind him. I put down the atlas I’m highlighting and watch him yank his shirt off and wipe his brow.

  He is the one person in this world who knows all of me and I am the one person in this world who knows all of him.

  The map I hold may be what leads us to California, but together we will figure out what comes next.

  Other Books By Lisa Burstein

  Young Adult:

  Pretty Amy

  Dear Cassie

  New Adult:

  The Next Forever

  The Possibility of Us

  Sneaking Candy

  Acknowledgements

  Usually you would thank your publisher or your agent here, but since this is a self-published novel I’m going to thank my readers, twitter and Facebook followers first. You have been there since I had the idea to self-publish and your support through this entire process has been invaluable and humbling. Thank you for always wanting to read what I have to write and for being EXCITED about it. There is nothing better!

  To my husband, who when I told him I was writing a draft of a book in a month and that it was something I had to get out as quickly as possible, just stood by and supported me. Mostly by making a lot of slow cooker dinners and giving hugs when needed. Thank you for knowing that this is my dream—and for letting me live it.

  To my girls in the Cool Kids Mafia: Rachel Harris, Cindi Madsen, Christina Lee, Rhonda Helms, Wendy Higgins, Stina Lindenblatt, Megan Erickson, Tara Fuller, Melissa West & Cole Gibson for listening to me bitch, for helping me with the cover and blurb for this baby and for being all around awesome ladies. This journey would be a lot less fun without you.

  A special shout out to my girl Ophelia London, who many days keeps me sane with her wit and wisdom; you are a true friend.

  To my family for always being supportive no matter what crazy book I’m writing.

  And finally, I want to thank myself. I do a lot of things for other people in life, and in writing, but this book was all mine, all me. Good on you Lisa, for being strong and determined enough to make this happen.